Eileen

Eileen

An open letter to my husband’s mother, who was taken from us too soon. Eileen, You’ve never met me. My name is cici, And I’m marrying your son. I want to say thank you. You created My perfect person, My other half, My missing piece. It’s because of you That he exists And that he is the man I know and love. I see your kindness in him, Your gentleness, And giving nature. I picture you Only with the big smile I’ve seen in your photos. We are far away, But I feel close to you. I want you to know The reverence I feel For you and your family. I’ve never been so accepted And treated so wonderfully In all my life. Relationships are complicated But ours is quite simple, really. I am beyond grateful For your impact In all of our lives...

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Six

Six

It makes it impossible to forget- That one day You have to address it. There is no positive spin. It’s making an effort- Wearing her dress And her emeralds And washing your hair In the middle of the week [Although you never do that.] It’s people who know Saying they’re thinking of you And facebook posts And memories And old photographs And maybe tiramisu. And probably tears. It’s the day The world ended But also Kept turning, Which is still baffling. The sun stayed put And the earth kept spinning But you can remember The day it stood still. But also it’s every day. It’s every day I see her picture, Wear her ring- Especially the days I never say her name. Melissa Is her name. Mommah. I miss you. It’s been six...

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Mommah

Mommah

Merry christmas, mommah. I don’t know How I’ve come this far Without you. Some might say It’s a tribute To my strength But I’m not so sure. More than anything, I think It’s a tribute to yours. I have an unwillingness To admit defeat Because of you. Because of What you taught me. Taught us. I’m willing to put aside My fear of failure For the possibility Of success. We all thought You had so much longer, So much more time On this earth. We were wrong. I am angry, I am still so angry, Because of what the world lost When you left it. I remember saying goodbye To you, When I walked in your bedroom, And saw your small face, Your frail body, Under that white sheet. I remember the moment That the anticipation ended And I was forced to accept That you were gone. I...

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Recovered

Recovered

My hands are dry From hand sanitizer. I hate touching things At hospitals. The waiting room Is suffocating. I’m all sweat And shaky hands. Some yards away Surgeons are removing The cancer On my grandmother’s kidney. The family sits Making small talk- Jumping at every announcement And pretending we aren’t. We go through the motions, Get food in the cafeteria Take bathroom breaks. I marvel at the monotony. In my head, I’m seventeen, Sitting at my mother’s bedside For months, watching As she suffers through ALS and pregnancy. I’m having flashbacks, I’m there, in my head PTSD reminding me Of feelings I’d rather forget. I’m walking through hallways Saying hello to nurses. It smells the same, And I’m hopeless. I’m staring into space Prompting concerned glances From...

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Better than Yesterday

Better than Yesterday

Today, I’m in North Carolina. I woke up Surrounded by family, Drank coffee with my Mema, Did some more unpacking. I live here now. Today Marks five years since mommah died. The words are harder to come by As time passes. It’s been almost a year Since I left my ex, Since I was on my own For the first time. Since then I’ve focused on my sobriety, Gained and lost jobs, Moved three times, Got a new car, Learned what love really means, And seen the world. I carry her with me Everywhere I go. She was at the Grand Canyon with me, Watching the sunset. She saw Ireland and England for the first time Out of an airplane window. She ate tacos from a food truck in London, Rode the Metro, Saw a play. Her ring is always on my finger And her love is always in my heart. I want to...

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