Mommah

Mommah

Merry christmas, mommah. I don’t know How I’ve come this far Without you. Some might say It’s a tribute To my strength But I’m not so sure. More than anything, I think It’s a tribute to yours. I have an unwillingness To admit defeat Because of you. Because of What you taught me. Taught us. I’m willing to put aside My fear of failure For the possibility Of success. We all thought You had so much longer, So much more time On this earth. We were wrong. I am angry, I am still so angry, Because of what the world lost When you left it. I remember saying goodbye To you, When I walked in your bedroom, And saw your small face, Your frail body, Under that white sheet. I remember the moment That the anticipation ended And I was forced to accept That you were gone. I...

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Behind My Eyes

Behind My Eyes

My sleep is plagued by nightmares. Some are so real I have to get up, Walk around, Check all the clocks, To convince myself It didn’t happen. I dream I’m drunk, Stumbling and unsure, I’ve lost my car, Can’t find my cigarettes, Can’t stand up straight. I fall into walls, Crawl across the floor, Inwardly Hating myself, Berating myself, Can’t remember where I’ve been, How this happened. I awake, Disoriented, Check my phone- Have I called someone, Texted someone, Taken photos- Where have I been?- Before I realize It was only a dream. A man lurks by my bed, Watches me as I slumber. He never speaks. I know I’m sleeping, But I’m trapped in my body Unable to move. I try to scream But no sound escapes my lips I dare myself to move But I’m frozen. Sometimes the man moves...

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Recovered

Recovered

My hands are dry From hand sanitizer. I hate touching things At hospitals. The waiting room Is suffocating. I’m all sweat And shaky hands. Some yards away Surgeons are removing The cancer On my grandmother’s kidney. The family sits Making small talk- Jumping at every announcement And pretending we aren’t. We go through the motions, Get food in the cafeteria Take bathroom breaks. I marvel at the monotony. In my head, I’m seventeen, Sitting at my mother’s bedside For months, watching As she suffers through ALS and pregnancy. I’m having flashbacks, I’m there, in my head PTSD reminding me Of feelings I’d rather forget. I’m walking through hallways Saying hello to nurses. It smells the same, And I’m hopeless. I’m staring into space Prompting concerned glances From...

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Better than Yesterday

Better than Yesterday

Today, I’m in North Carolina. I woke up Surrounded by family, Drank coffee with my Mema, Did some more unpacking. I live here now. Today Marks five years since mommah died. The words are harder to come by As time passes. It’s been almost a year Since I left my ex, Since I was on my own For the first time. Since then I’ve focused on my sobriety, Gained and lost jobs, Moved three times, Got a new car, Learned what love really means, And seen the world. I carry her with me Everywhere I go. She was at the Grand Canyon with me, Watching the sunset. She saw Ireland and England for the first time Out of an airplane window. She ate tacos from a food truck in London, Rode the Metro, Saw a play. Her ring is always on my finger And her love is always in my heart. I want to...

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Twenty Four

Twenty Four

It’s been a hell of a ride. 24 years have brought me Hardships and beauty And a new perspective. I honestly wouldn’t change a single thing. If anything in my life had been different I wouldn’t be who I am. And I have to say I love myself. I love that I can grow And learn something new about myself Or about the world Every single day. I love that I can empathize With so many different people With so many different experiences. I love that with this fresh perspective I’ve become less judgmental And more genuinely accepting. To me, Challenges are just that. I know absolutely That there is nothing I can’t overcome. Nothing will ever break me. My hardships Are accomplishments. I’ve survived sexual, physical, mental, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse At the hands...

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