Six

Six

It makes it impossible to forget- That one day You have to address it. There is no positive spin. It’s making an effort- Wearing her dress And her emeralds And washing your hair In the middle of the week [Although you never do that.] It’s people who know Saying they’re thinking of you And facebook posts And memories And old photographs And maybe tiramisu. And probably tears. It’s the day The world ended But also Kept turning, Which is still baffling. The sun stayed put And the earth kept spinning But you can remember The day it stood still. But also it’s every day. It’s every day I see her picture, Wear her ring- Especially the days I never say her name. Melissa Is her name. Mommah. I miss you. It’s been six...

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Mommah

Mommah

Merry christmas, mommah. I don’t know How I’ve come this far Without you. Some might say It’s a tribute To my strength But I’m not so sure. More than anything, I think It’s a tribute to yours. I have an unwillingness To admit defeat Because of you. Because of What you taught me. Taught us. I’m willing to put aside My fear of failure For the possibility Of success. We all thought You had so much longer, So much more time On this earth. We were wrong. I am angry, I am still so angry, Because of what the world lost When you left it. I remember saying goodbye To you, When I walked in your bedroom, And saw your small face, Your frail body, Under that white sheet. I remember the moment That the anticipation ended And I was forced to accept That you were gone. I...

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Distance

Distance

I hate distance. Both the word And What it represents. I hate time And miles And measuring The separation Of loved ones Or long drives To old stomping grounds Turned unfamiliar. I hate how long it’s been Since I’ve seen her smile Or held her hand. That the distance Between her and me Is six feet underground And five years. I hate the miles Across the large expanse Of ocean And the dollar bills Or pound notes Needed To bridge the gap. The time Between messages And kisses- It’s been months Since we said goodbye And he got on that plane And flew away from me. And does distance Slowly kill us? The time since birth And dead parents And lonely hearts Knew love. And it’s the word- I’ve used it so much I’m sick of it. How do you do it They ask. And I don’t know. It’s...

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Recovered

Recovered

My hands are dry From hand sanitizer. I hate touching things At hospitals. The waiting room Is suffocating. I’m all sweat And shaky hands. Some yards away Surgeons are removing The cancer On my grandmother’s kidney. The family sits Making small talk- Jumping at every announcement And pretending we aren’t. We go through the motions, Get food in the cafeteria Take bathroom breaks. I marvel at the monotony. In my head, I’m seventeen, Sitting at my mother’s bedside For months, watching As she suffers through ALS and pregnancy. I’m having flashbacks, I’m there, in my head PTSD reminding me Of feelings I’d rather forget. I’m walking through hallways Saying hello to nurses. It smells the same, And I’m hopeless. I’m staring into space Prompting concerned glances From...

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Better than Yesterday

Better than Yesterday

Today, I’m in North Carolina. I woke up Surrounded by family, Drank coffee with my Mema, Did some more unpacking. I live here now. Today Marks five years since mommah died. The words are harder to come by As time passes. It’s been almost a year Since I left my ex, Since I was on my own For the first time. Since then I’ve focused on my sobriety, Gained and lost jobs, Moved three times, Got a new car, Learned what love really means, And seen the world. I carry her with me Everywhere I go. She was at the Grand Canyon with me, Watching the sunset. She saw Ireland and England for the first time Out of an airplane window. She ate tacos from a food truck in London, Rode the Metro, Saw a play. Her ring is always on my finger And her love is always in my heart. I want to...

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Twenty Four

Twenty Four

It’s been a hell of a ride. 24 years have brought me Hardships and beauty And a new perspective. I honestly wouldn’t change a single thing. If anything in my life had been different I wouldn’t be who I am. And I have to say I love myself. I love that I can grow And learn something new about myself Or about the world Every single day. I love that I can empathize With so many different people With so many different experiences. I love that with this fresh perspective I’ve become less judgmental And more genuinely accepting. To me, Challenges are just that. I know absolutely That there is nothing I can’t overcome. Nothing will ever break me. My hardships Are accomplishments. I’ve survived sexual, physical, mental, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse At the hands...

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