Linear

Healing
Is not linear.
People seem to forget that.
It’s so easy to believe the bad-
To make a snap judgement
When someone in recovery,
Or you, yourself,
Falls off, picks up,
Or makes a bad decision.

Sobriety
Does not promise
An easy life
Or immediate,
Significant,
Changes.

It does not mean
That you’re healed
Or that this journey
Will ever have an end.
A recovering addict
Will be in recovery
Until they die.
It requires work
And vigilance
But also love
And forgiveness
And acceptance.
It means loving yourself
More than your illness.

Addiction is a sickness,
Substance abuse the symptom.
There are many steps,
Many interior factors,
That go into picking up
Your drug of choice.
There are mental patterns
To be changed
And broken
And rebuilt, differently.

How do you fight
Your own brain?

Tooth and nail, is how.

My illness wants me dead.
It will never rest,
Never be satisfied,
But I will not feed the madness.

One drink
Would only awaken the monster,
The thing in my subconscious
I spent years trying to love.

But accepting it
As a part of me
Would have, and should have
Seen me dead.

Every mark on my body
Tells a story
But it is the scars you cannot see,
The thing inside my brain,
Which speaks the truth.

It is what I know
And share
And speak up about,
The feelings I try to name
That I fight.

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What you can never see
Is the pain brought upon me
By what I told myself
Was a good idea
At the time.

It doesn’t matter
How far I get in sobriety.
I am always an arm’s length away
From relapse
Just as it didn’t matter
How much my illness took from me-
I could still find sobriety.

I have a life
Beyond my wildest dreams.
I am not rich,
Or even employed;
I am not perfect,
Or constantly happy
And I don’t have anything
Figured out.

But I can sit in my skin
And breathe
And exist.

I live every single moment
For exactly what it is
And consider only today.

I drink coffee in the grass,
I put on a face mask
And watch a movie.
I spend all day in meetings,
Surrounded by people in recovery
That I respect and admire.
I fall apart
And have a good cry
And I sit and feel my sadness.
I pick up the phone
Instead of a drink.

And these little choices
Make a life-
They make what is now
Over seven months
Of continuous sobriety.

And of course I’m proud
But more than anything
I am humble
And grateful

For, without my illness,
I would not have recovery
And without recovery
I would not have this incredible life
Created by perspective
And cultivated with honesty.

1 Comment

  1. nita harris
    Jul 22, 2016

    I am always delighted to read you. you don’t miss a beat.

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