Bleeding Out

Bleeding Out

Have you ever felt The urge to escape? Suddenly, Fight or flight kicks in And you don’t even know What you’re running from? Digging my car Out of the snow With an umbrella And my bare hands- It was like that. Urgent. I had to go, Or implode. Explode. If I could have crawled out Of my own skin, I would have. A walking skeleton With veins and muscles hanging A graphic, bloody mess, To let what’s inside show. Do you see me now? Unkempt And stumbling blind, Eyes hanging From their sockets. When the world stops spinning, I see only the floor. Matted footprints Show where I’ve been Writing a map To where I am. Not that you’d want To join me. It’s messy here, A jumbled ugliness. An unfulfilled addiction, A profound partial insanity A chasm of unparalleled loss, An...

Read More

Everything

Everything

Can I live? Can I go to the grocery store And buy some goddamn cookies Without getting followed around? Without a “damn, angel,” Or “he’s a lucky man.” I don’t need no man. Also, leave me alone. Can I live? I didn’t dress up for you this morning. Nobody’s going to see these thigh-highs but me. This dress was my mother’s. And I bought this necklace on a trip with my sister. I dressed up for me, To make me feel better. Now I feel dirty, somehow. Violated. You’re the gross one. Can I live? Can I have a seat away from the bar? I smell the liquor. But I can’t have a single sip. I can’t even trust my own mind. I feel insane. Self-destructive. It never bothered me before- I accepted it, Made it part of me. Now I will against it, Fighting myself To the death. Can I live?...

Read More

Suit of Armor

Suit of Armor

I’m not the bitch Who waits in the tower To be rescued. I’m the bitch Who scales the wall With a sheet, Who commandeers a suit of armor, Because I’d rather fail, I’d rather die trying, Then never know. I’m not the kind of girl Who plays the game. I don’t have time. I win. Check mate. I’m no distressed damsel. I’ve seen too much. Desensitized- Nothing scares me. I’m the woman Who’s completely real. I’m honest, And I’ll trust you Until you fuck me over. I’ll give you my heart Knowing you’ll wreck me. You can have Whatever you want If I love you. But I can frost over, too. Ice me out, That’s fine. I’m not going to try To change your mind. People are who they are. And I’m the bitch Who doesn’t need...

Read More

Dead Ringer

Dead Ringer

Last night I cried In front of a dozen strangers. I talked about my father. I told them I don’t know what to do With all the emotion. The last decade Or longer Crashes over me- I am spinning in the current Blinded by the spray. I am drowning. Sobriety is more Than not drinking. It’s learning how to live again. How to do things Without a bottle in your hand. It’s fucking terrifying. I seem to have the guts. Maybe I’m just used to trials, Testing myself, Adding more accomplishments to the list, More experiences, More shit I’ve overcome. Some people, though, Just can’t be honest. They are weak. My father, He can’t look himself in the eye And see his flaws, His shortcomings. He is comforted by his disorders [As we all are] To a point Where he can’t see past them. A...

Read More